Shock Move! Ben Dameron Quits UNC Darkside Midseason to Focus on Winning Intramural Kickball Title

“I’ve been playing frisbee my whole life, and I finally got up the courage to try to compete against real athletes” said North Carolina’s presumptive Callahan nominee. “It’s scary putting yourself out there, but I’m excited to see what happens. Maybe if I can make it at the kickball level, one day I can even take the leap up to volleyball or flag football” mused the three time National champion.

Explained: The Group Chat Debacle Behind UBC Thunderbirds’ Only Loss of the Season

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One of Broadcasting’s Most Infamous Voices in Talks to Replace Evan Lepler

If there’s one person everyone knows around the ultimate community, it’s commentator Evan Lepler. But with the USAU extricating themselves from ESPN, they’re starting to reevaluate their commentary team, discussing adding a new member or replacing Lepler altogether. As the change would be implemented during the college season, USAU is looking for a commentator who knows college ball. With the funds they are saving from the release of the ESPN deal, USAU is looking for someone with a higher profile, in an attempt to boost the sport’s visibility—their main lead: Stephen A. Smith.

“We think more personality would liven up the broadcasts, and ultimately lead to more viewers,” said USAU. “We know that Smith is a polarizing figure, but so was Lepler.”

Smith was more direct in his criticism. “Lepler? That man was a bona fide scrub,” Smith said. “He can’t commentate! No disrespect whatsoever.”

Oregon’s Next Big Star to Be Born This Week

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Calvin Ciorba is Actually Three Spidermonkeys in a Trench Coat

Breaking news from the D-III Men’s division: current Richmond Spidermonkeys star Calvin Ciorba, who has become a dominant force in the division within the past few seasons, has been keeping a secret that might explain how he is so powerful. After several players saw a tail sticking out of his jersey at Mid-Atlantic Warmup, USAU launched a thorough internal investigation to figure out what was going on. Their findings were shocking.

Instead of a human player, Ciorba is three spidermonkeys stacked up, wearing a very human-looking morph suit.

To catch Ciorba in the act, USAU officials set up a trap that lured him into a human-sized cage. The spidermonkeys, some of nature’s more resourceful scavengers, were unable to resist the assortment of stale bagels, unripe bananas, and Nutella-covered plastic knife shards strewn around the field site at D-III River Showdown, the Spidermonkeys’ next tournament. From there, they could verify the identity once and for all.

“We would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids,” exclaimed the spidermonkeys after the unmasking.¹

Missing USAU Annual Reports Found!

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1. Scooby Doo style ↩

Middlebury Coach Comes to Life

Off the heels of Colorado and UNC’s coaching recruitment news, it appears that Middlebury Pranksters have finally found one. Although their three-peat record precedes them as a team who did not necessarily need a coach, their recent performances have shown that a coach’s presence is evident.

While the Pranksters are famous for their unseriousness and their, urm, pranks, they made a choice to take their game to the next level. Their offensive sets looked more composed and structured than ever and their defense showed that a considerable amount of strategic work had been put into how to best beat their opponents. They also had more complex-looking defenses and their line management looked better than it ever did.

“I’ve been following along with the team for an upwards of 10 years now, but they have never really needed my help until recently. Having been around the game for this long, I know the ins and outs and I have had plenty of opportunities to scout other teams and learn how to ruffle their feathers,” said the new coach. “The team knows and trusts me, which definitely helps. And they know I am more than happy to assist in their various escapades.”

Perhaps another D-III championship is brewing based on the Pranksters’ new leadership staff. Even if the advice is coming from a talking lawn goose they call Stephen Swannifer.¹

USA Ultimate Adds T-Shirt Companies as Official Uniform Supplier

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1. Or Swan Steve, as many know him ↩